Losing A Child

by Debbie Twomey on February 24, 2016

baby angel

Recently I thought I had a pain in my heart when I had to say goodbye to Joshie 3 and Sarah 7 months. I have seen them almost daily since both their births. I just hated the idea of not seeing more of their firsts. I felt like I needed to grieve. 

But, I was wrong about grief. Grief is much deeper and longer lasting. Grief is when you know you will never see that child again. Never hold them or kiss them. I was just saddened at the change but I was not losing my friends.Grief is losing a child.

I know I will see the kids again but someone I know had to let their 14 month old baby girl go. She was brain dead from asphyxiation and being kept alive by machines. Even as I write I just cannot imagine the grief of having to let your baby go.

I have had several miscarriages but I never got to look upon or hold any of my babies. So, I know I cannot know that pain but what I imagine is that it is so deep and profound that it must take over all thought.

Today, I saw, in person, the first tiny white coffin of my life. That I knew the precious angel lying inside just made it so much more difficult to accept. A beautiful baby girl is gone and all that is left is questions. I know that it is comforting that this precious baby girl is now beside God but I cannot help but understand the physical missing more than a spiritual afterlife.

We mourn at times like this, for the life that is lost, for the grieving family members and for our fears that it could one day be us standing in a receiving line at a wake for our loved ones. I could not help but wonder how I would feel if that baby had been my own precious granddaughter, McKenna. Would I have the strength to face each new day? Would I even want to?



This is an excerpt from Dr. LeAnne Deardeuff. She shared her story with me when she knew I was writing this blog and I am so grateful for her personal story and insight.

My son died 8 years ago next weekend. This was probably the hardest thing in my life. He was a 24/7 child. He had mild CP and profound Autism. Occasionally he would have hard seizures that would put him in a coma. We would take him to the hospital and they would give him a shot of something and wake him up. From the time he was born I knew that my son could die at any moment. But when it happened I still went into shock.

The police came and took him away and cordoned off our home. We were now all murder suspects for a week. Fortunately for us, I had a huge file of every doctor appointment I have ever taken him to. I had notes from them about his health and his seizures. In the end it said he had died of natural causes. 

When the police arrived at our door followed by the ambulance, people began to pour out of their doors to see what they could do to assist us. The police told us to leave the house and they yellow taped the area. Our neighbor up the road told us to come up to their house. It was Sunday and all of us had just come home from Church. This kind family had their Sunday meal all ready on the table. Our older children who lived in the state arrived about that time also. This family opened their home to use and fed us. 

On the way to their home, a neighbor came and grabbed me. She could see my stricken face. She walked me up the road and every few steps she would whisper in my ear to breathe. She said I would stop breathing and it was still important for me to breathe. 

Later when we were allowed back in our home, neighbors came bringing food and groceries and hugs. So many of them were crying also. 

What was my biggest take away from this time? It was about grief. So many well meaning people would try to comfort me by saying, "Why are you so sad? Don't you know that your son is in a better place?" I wanted to get angry at them. I wanted to yell and say, “Of course I know he is in a better place! Just let me grieve my son! I miss him! I loved him!" But I didn't. I would give them a hug and say "Thank you."

I learned that grief is one of the highest forms of love. It is telling the person that you loved with all your heart and that you miss them. It is perfectly all right to sob until your heart breaks. Christ tells us that he wants a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And when your heart breaks then He can step in and fill it with his love. His comfort is beyond anything that any human can give you. Allow Him passage into your heart. 

The police gave me a booklet on the 7 Stages of Grief after a loved one dies. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html. It says that these stages could come in any order and we all deal with them differently. But we will go through them. The first time I went through grief was when my mother-in-law died. Not only did I experience her death but the death of an expectation of being able to live next to her at some point in my life and letting my children experience her love as a grandmother. It took me 15 years to stop being angry at God that He had allowed her to die. 

I don't remember going through the anger stage after Enoch's death. Perhaps it was because I allowed the grief stage to run its course. Julie Axelrod said in her blog http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief about the 5 stages of death "Coping with loss is an ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing." 

In our lives we will go through death in many different forms. Death of a loved one, death of friends loved one, death of a relationship, death of a pet, death of an expectation. 

As Julie says feel the grief let it pass. I think it was this that made it easier to cope with Enoch's death. It was the tears that flowed. It was the broken heart. It was the Savior stepping in to comfort me. It was truly His love that brought me through it. May He heal your broken heart that has broken in so many ways this year. 


Here are some suggestions for those who have lost a child and what is a very personal journey through grief. No one person feels and reacts to grief in the same way so do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or act. That grief may feel overwhelming and impossible to think past.  If this is you please seek help. Most important of all, there is no time limit on grief just as there was no time limit on how long you would love your child. So you take all the time you need, it is your personal journey, your pain and your loss.

I have a few friends who offered tips for remembering the time you had with their child in special ways:

  • Special prayers or masses in honor of your child
  • Create a poem or story that allows you to share your feelings of who that child was and how you felt
  • Begin a tradition such a lighting candle or releasing balloons on special dates
  • Have a piece of jewelry created specifically for your memory of this child
  • Consider donations to children in needs in memory of your child
  • Plant a garden or a small tree in their name
  • Celebrate the date that means the most to you, birth, death whatever one you wish

My heart is full of the pain of saying goodbye to a beautiful little angel named Makynzie Jade but more for the loss her Mommy now faces. I pray she finds comfort in the memory of the love they shared. 






"I have dedicated my life to the care and welfare of children. I feel privileged to share what I have learned with you. I am also committed to continuously learning.iStock_000004213744XSmall  I will keep informed of the latest information in parenting children from newborns to teens and pass it on to all of you.”   I will also use that same passion to help you create a dynasty generate increases in your business with straightforward and specialized media managing skills that guarantee your connection and scope will grow. Keep up to date reading our posts and discover valuable insights that can make parenting and succeeding in the business of the blogger– the most exciting adventure. (Debbie Twomey) https://www.facebook.com/debbietwomeySMM








The Adventures of Miss Mouse

by Debbie Twomey on March 20, 2014

swimming in the tub


The terrible twos did not get their name for nothing. Believe me, even after taking care of many children and raising my daughter from the age of 22 months on, I am discovering just why it has earned that reputation.

Today’s blog is simply little tales of the adventures of Miss Mouse (my granddaughter McKenna Elise Rose who is 29 months old) because, well they just shock, frustrate and even amuse me. Most of all they are just too much.

Last week alone:

McKenna decided she needed a haircut so she got on my desk (a place she has been punished for going on but…)took out the large scissors and just hacked off her bangs to brush cut level. While she was there she also found the permanent marker I had hidden from her and wrote her little signature all over my desk.

A little while later she was misbehaving and had to go sit on her bed to settle down until I told her to get up. I went to go get the mail and you guessed it, she got out of her bed and locked me out. Oh yes, I was out on the porch in the 5 degree weather seething. She can lock the deadbolt but to open she needs a chair and to keep trying. For those of you who know us, you know this is the second time she has done this and NO I do not have a key for the deadbolt to keep on the porch or it would have been there.

I have had a terrible time with colds this season so I had to finally relent and get some over the counter medication just to see or prove it makes no difference and the oils are just as effective. I had it on the top shelf of medicine cabinet and while I was retrieving laundry Miss Mouse got on toilet and got the bottle opened and poured all over bathroom floor. Yes she could have drunk some though the worst that would happen would probably be a tummy ache. I now have a bungee cord on the handles. I used to have such control that my voice alone prevented kids from repeating such actions. Not with Miss Mouse!

Lest you think I often turn my back on this precocious wild 2 year old let me put your concerns to rest. She is like Velcro, always at my side but once in awhile I request that she play alone or watches one of her shows so I can get things done. I can be right next to her and she still manages to slip something past me. It must be my age and I am just not as quick as I once was.

While snuggling in bed one morning she looks at me so serious and loving and says” I yuv you so much Nana—now tickle my back”

She is flexing her independence muscle rather strenuously and it can be trying. Her favorite Aunt Kiki was visiting her and any time she would tell McKenna to stay away from scissors McKenna would pout and walk away then rush over and hug her and say I miss you Kiki. When Kiki went to leave McK was acting badly trying to slam the door on her (she loves to have the responsibility of closing the door but not quite up to the challenge). I told her she was being rude and hurting Kiki’s feelings. McK looks at me with a puzzled look and says, “oh—- sorry about that.” It did not feel too sincere.

We had to get groceries and she rides in the cart and asks for her ‘pillow.” I always get the toilet paper first so she can lay on it. I also bring plenty of snacks and drink. When we get home she drags every single bag into the kitchen. She loves to be helpful. She started doing this trick at 12 months. She would carry a light bag in and then found she could simply drag even the heaviest so I just wait for her to bring them for me to put away.

Last night we were making pudding. Now, this is the only child I have ever had to remove the stove knobs for because she turned on a burner one time and even after being punished went to do it another time. So, I have her next to the stove at a safe distance and she pours the powder mix into pan then I place it on the stove. Before I can even react she has already shook salt into it—you think maybe she has seen me do this with other foods in that pan? I got most of it out but our pudding was not exactly sweet.

Two is the age of “I do!” They can do everything themselves and then as soon as they discover they cannot they get quite frustrated. It is the age where they think and puzzle things out for themselves. It is an age where they pay attention to everything we don’t want them too and not enough to what we want them to see. It is the age of NO and I do not care how many specialists give us these sweet little techniques of not using negative words to reinforce our feelings, when you see your toddler climbing onto the fridge cause they figured out your latest hiding place for their special treats, the first word out of your mouth is NO!

Miss Mouse is a very active, intelligent little girl. She needs to be kept busy, both physically and mentally. She has playtime with friends next door to help with this and I am discovering that like my dear friend Mary with Joshie—jumping on a mattress goes a long ways in helping burn some of that energy. But Mouse’s challenge is more mental—she likes to keep thinking and learning so she gets more time on her Leap Pad II and we got her ABCmouse (https://www.abcmouse.com)


We read every day and she also has to find ways to keep herself busy in her little kitchen or riding her bike or coloring. I found one of the best toys lately is an empty water jug and a box. The 5 gallon jug becomes a spaceship she rides on, something to push all over the house or the door to her latest fort. The box is our house that we color and sometimes drive to go see our Joshie who we miss so terribly.

This is actually only 3 days in the life of me and my little Mouse, can you believe it? McKenna is really a trip and I am so lucky to have this time with her. I must admit, tired as I can get, I look forward to each new day and I wonder what new adventure will Miss Mouse take me on today?


Check out any of her adventures at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BClEbfdl4Xk&list=UU1LmhVz9r-1OblY9ya8PzKA


"I have dedicated my life to the care and welfare of children. I feel privileged to share what I have learned with you. I am also committed to continuously learning.  I will keep informed of the latest information in parenting children from newborns to teens and pass it on to all of you.”   I will also use that same passion to help you create a dynasty generate increases in your business with straightforward and specialized media managing skills that guarantee your connection and scope will grow. Keep up to date reading our posts and discover valuable insights that can make parenting and succeeding in the business of the blogger– the most exciting adventure. (Debbie Twomey) https://www.facebook.com/debbietwomeySMM


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