Losing A Child

Recently I thought I had a pain in my heart when I had to say goodbye to Joshie 3 and Sarah 7 months. I have seen them almost daily since both their births. I just hated the idea of not seeing more of their firsts. I felt like I needed to grieve. 

But, I was wrong about grief. Grief is much deeper and longer lasting. Grief is when you know you will never see that child again. Never hold them or kiss them. I was just saddened at the change but I was not losing my friends.Grief is losing a child.

I know I will see the kids again but someone I know had to let their 14 month old baby girl go. She was brain dead from asphyxiation and being kept alive by machines. Even as I write I just cannot imagine the grief of having to let your baby go.

I have had several miscarriages but I never got to look upon or hold any of my babies. So, I know I cannot know that pain but what I imagine is that it is so deep and profound that it must take over all thought.

Today, I saw, in person, the first tiny white coffin of my life. That I knew the precious angel lying inside just made it so much more difficult to accept. A beautiful baby girl is gone and all that is left is questions. I know that it is comforting that this precious baby girl is now beside God but I cannot help but understand the physical missing more than a spiritual afterlife.

We mourn at times like this, for the life that is lost, for the grieving family members and for our fears that it could one day be us standing in a receiving line at a wake for our loved ones. I could not help but wonder how I would feel if that baby had been my own precious granddaughter, McKenna. Would I have the strength to face each new day? Would I even want to?

 

 

This is an excerpt from Dr. LeAnne Deardeuff. She shared her story with me when she knew I was writing this blog and I am so grateful for her personal story and insight.

My son died 8 years ago next weekend. This was probably the hardest thing in my life. He was a 24/7 child. He had mild CP and profound Autism. Occasionally he would have hard seizures that would put him in a coma. We would take him to the hospital and they would give him a shot of something and wake him up. From the time he was born I knew that my son could die at any moment. But when it happened I still went into shock.

The police came and took him away and cordoned off our home. We were now all murder suspects for a week. Fortunately for us, I had a huge file of every doctor appointment I have ever taken him to. I had notes from them about his health and his seizures. In the end it said he had died of natural causes. 

When the police arrived at our door followed by the ambulance, people began to pour out of their doors to see what they could do to assist us. The police told us to leave the house and they yellow taped the area. Our neighbor up the road told us to come up to their house. It was Sunday and all of us had just come home from Church. This kind family had their Sunday meal all ready on the table. Our older children who lived in the state arrived about that time also. This family opened their home to use and fed us. 

On the way to their home, a neighbor came and grabbed me. She could see my stricken face. She walked me up the road and every few steps she would whisper in my ear to breathe. She said I would stop breathing and it was still important for me to breathe. 

Later when we were allowed back in our home, neighbors came bringing food and groceries and hugs. So many of them were crying also. 

What was my biggest take away from this time? It was about grief. So many well meaning people would try to comfort me by saying, "Why are you so sad? Don't you know that your son is in a better place?" I wanted to get angry at them. I wanted to yell and say, “Of course I know he is in a better place! Just let me grieve my son! I miss him! I loved him!" But I didn't. I would give them a hug and say "Thank you."

I learned that grief is one of the highest forms of love. It is telling the person that you loved with all your heart and that you miss them. It is perfectly all right to sob until your heart breaks. Christ tells us that he wants a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And when your heart breaks then He can step in and fill it with his love. His comfort is beyond anything that any human can give you. Allow Him passage into your heart. 

The police gave me a booklet on the 7 Stages of Grief after a loved one dies. http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html. It says that these stages could come in any order and we all deal with them differently. But we will go through them. The first time I went through grief was when my mother-in-law died. Not only did I experience her death but the death of an expectation of being able to live next to her at some point in my life and letting my children experience her love as a grandmother. It took me 15 years to stop being angry at God that He had allowed her to die. 

I don't remember going through the anger stage after Enoch's death. Perhaps it was because I allowed the grief stage to run its course. Julie Axelrod said in her blog http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief about the 5 stages of death "Coping with loss is an ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing." 

In our lives we will go through death in many different forms. Death of a loved one, death of friends loved one, death of a relationship, death of a pet, death of an expectation. 

As Julie says feel the grief let it pass. I think it was this that made it easier to cope with Enoch's death. It was the tears that flowed. It was the broken heart. It was the Savior stepping in to comfort me. It was truly His love that brought me through it. May He heal your broken heart that has broken in so many ways this year. 

   http://doctorleanne.com/ways-to-help-children-deal-with-death/

Here are some suggestions for those who have lost a child and what is a very personal journey through grief. No one person feels and reacts to grief in the same way so do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or act. That grief may feel overwhelming and impossible to think past.  If this is you please seek help. Most important of all, there is no time limit on grief just as there was no time limit on how long you would love your child. So you take all the time you need, it is your personal journey, your pain and your loss.

I have a few friends who offered tips for remembering the time you had with their child in special ways:

• Special prayers or masses in honor of your child
• Create a poem or story that allows you to share your feelings of who that child was and how you felt
• Begin a tradition such a lighting candle or releasing balloons on special dates
• Have a piece of jewelry created specifically for your memory of this child
• Consider donations to children in needs in memory of your child
• Plant a garden or a small tree in their name
• Celebrate the date that means the most to you, birth, death whatever one you wish

My heart is full of the pain of saying goodbye to a beautiful little angel named Makynzie Jade but more for the loss her Mommy now faces. I pray she finds comfort in the memory of the love they shared. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                

Tagged as: child, comfort, coping, death, Dr LeAnne Deardeuff, God, goodbye, grief, healing, life, loss, memories, pain, sadness, solace, white coffin