Reality Bites (Getting past the past)

by Debbie Twomey on June 19, 2012

 

 
 
 
I always dreamed of being a parent. I went through a phase (despite wanting a baby since I was 12)– where I thought I had nothing to offer and everything to damage a child. There are so many people who begin in dysfunctional homes and carry that lifestyle forward, even when they do not mean to. I knew I had damage from my childhood but believed it did not affect me because I made sure I was a happy person. The saying goes, "be careful what you wish for." I soon discovered Reality Bites!
 
Then, I finally accepted that, after a rough period of time when I lost sight of my goal and how special children really are, that I had so much love to share and I wanted only to become a mother. Of course, by that time, it was not going to happen the conventional way.
 
I became a foster mother. That is when I discovered, I was not quite prepared to leave my demons behind because I had not truly dealt with them and the effects they had on me. After discovering that I could actually bear animosity towards a child, I had to work through that and find the original feelings I had known most of my life—"that being a mother was the most important dream I had ever had."
 
Why am I telling you all of this? I do not have to admit anything to anyone—that battle was my own private hell. The reason is simple, because I know I am not alone. We all carry our childhood over into how we grow as adults and eventually how we parent.  What we dream and the reality are often times so opposing that we are not prepared for it. I knew I loved children, but when faced with a child who was exactly as I was, needy,starved for attention and insatiable, it rocked my world. I found myself disliking a little girl simply because I saw myself reflected in her eyes.
 
How could that be, me the woman who children were drawn to, who could get down on their level and have so much love for all kids? But, it was true. I did not like this little girl and it took me months to understand why. I thought it was her, but it was me. She was ME—the child I had been. I had no way of knowing that this could impact me is such a negative way.
I wish I could say I came to this conclusion on my own, before my actions or lack of, affected this little girl. But I did not. I did not see how negative I was till someone else saw me—till I saw their reaction to how I talked and disciplined this child compared to others.
 
Then I went back over the videos I had made of my interactions and I was so shocked and ashamed. I had been this way  to a little girl who needed my love and support more than any others. That is the surprise and contradiction of what we do not know till it becomes a reality. That I could so dislike a child for being so much like the little girl I was—it just boggles the mind.
 
My dream—was I going to discover it was just a thought and I never really wanted to me a mother? Or was I doomed to be dysfunctional and not qualified to be a mom? I searched myself for the answers and I discovered—NO, I would not spend another moment in my past. I was going to free the child I had been and open my heart to this child, who was not Me –but certainly shared the overwhelming need to be accepted and loved.
 
From the moment I knew who I had been, I stopped and worked on becoming who I thought I should be. And that was a good foster Mom, ready to love and encourage and help a child whose needs were greater than any I had encountered. I prayed for guidance and strength not to fall into old patterns.
 
I will not say it was easy. Things that test us are not meant to be easy. But the difficulty was not this little girl, it was the pain and scars of my youth. They were not hers and she should not pay that price, I already had. I resolved to improve my attitude and my patience with her and I was rewarded at once. It was all she had been seeking, total acceptance and unconditional love. How could I have let ME blind me to that?                                                             
 
And so it came to be, when it was time for her to be returned to her real mother, she was the most reluctant to leave me. They had to pry her crying and clutching me tight, away from my arms. And when I got the chance to visit her 2 weeks later,  it was she, not her sister (who had gotten the best of me at first); who wanted to come back “home” with me. It was she who cried and hugged till I had to just walk away. It was she who it broke my heart to leave for good.
 
And it is she who I have to thank for breaking through the chains of my childhood and setting free this prisoner of the past. I now knew I could love well and did. I hope she knew she was loved by me. I pray that she felt it and it carried her through the rest of her life. Because of her, I was finally ready to be the Mother I always hoped I would become.     
 
 





"I have dedicated my life to the care and welfare of children. I feel privileged to share what I have learned with you. I am also committed to continuously learning.  I will keep informed of the latest information in parenting children from newborns to teens and pass it on to all of you.”   I will also use that same passion to help you create a dynasty generate increases in your business with straightforward and specialized media managing skills that guarantee your connection and scope will grow. Keep up to date reading our posts and discover valuable insights that can make parenting and succeeding in the business of the blogger– the most exciting adventure. (Debbie Twomey)

 

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Dr. Mary Starr Carter June 19, 2012 at 7:10 am

You know how to make us cry don’t you Debbie 

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Ebarbagallo June 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

What a wonderful story Debbie.  Could not hold back the tears, again.
Since I have known you, any child could only benefit their childhood into adulthood.
You are AMAZING and that comes straight from the Heart:))

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Tquigley1 June 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

Thank you for being so open and sharing of your past and how you have been able to move beyond it, Debbie.  We all have things we need to heal, and your honesty helps all of us.  Many blessings!

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Fljfroch June 19, 2012 at 8:45 pm

great article, you have made in pass the past knowing you all these years..You’ve help a lot of us realize how life is not always the way other people see us…Thanks for being a friend

KK 

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Lori July 2, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Mirrored images bite for sure.  Love the jail pic. Glad you broke through your chains.

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