Do you talk to your kids with a negative tone or in negative terms? I never understood what “speaking negative over your child” meant until I met Dr. Mary Starr.
It is not that I did not realize when negative terms were used (too often in my family) but that just speaking “Negative” creates negativity. It does not promote productivity nor does it create positive feeling children.
Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart and running (yes I can run with a cart in front of me) with my baby granddaughter. I was playing a game with her, stop and go. She was laughing and in that moment I heard such vile words coming from a young mother next to us.This mother was screaming at her child (approximately 2 years old). She told her over and over she was a naughty girl for crying in the store. The child wanted a sucker the Mom had purchased.
Now, I have my belief about when children learn patience and you probably have yours. What I know for sure is many, many adults do not have patience yet we expect it from a toddler. I have seen grown-ups opt for the “satisfy me now pay later” thought all too often (and yes I include myself in this group) Got to have it yesterday.
This mother told the little girl she was crying her ass off and no way would she get a sucker now. Then she told this same toddler, if you stop crying now, I will give the sucker to you. Talk about mixed messages (and language skills that are lacking).
But that is not my focus; my focus is on the tone, the words and the volume that mother used when speaking to her daughter. It was horrible and the only thing it promoted is a feeling a negativity within this child. I even felt like a shroud of negativity had blanketed McKenna and me.
There are better ways to address your child.
- Keep your answers short and sweet
- Praise often even little things. You will see the affects immediately
- Use a normal speaking voice, raising it only enforces negativity
- If possible get to their eye level and keep contact for focus
- Stay on topic of what matters at that moment
- Encourage them when they understand what you have explained
- At times, repeat expectations and have child repeat back to you
- Avoid negative words such as naughty, bad, spanking
Focus on what they did right or good and if need be, explain what is unacceptable (for instance this mother could have said “You did a great job staying in the cart and letting Mommy get her shopping done. I know you really want a sucker but crying is not the way to get it. Maybe you could use your words, like please.”
I know when parents are impatient or a child has been acting out it is difficult to “stop, breathe and think” about what you are going to say. But take a moment and try to use positive words even when correcting a child.
Children’s egos are very fragile when they are so young and their identity is tied up in your reaction to them. If you do not think so, just ask a child to perform a trick or say something you want them to say. Watch their eyes light up when they get it right—for you.
Patience and love are necessary when using positive reinforcement or positive speak with your child. Children mirror what they see and hear so do not surround them with negative actions and words.
Your child will thrive and be much more cooperative and productive if you focus on the positive. Let them know what they have done that is not acceptable in a more positive way and your child will have a more optimistic outlook on the world. Constructive appreciation is much more encouraging for all children.
"I have dedicated my life to the care and welfare of children. I feel privileged to share what I have learned with you. I am also committed to continuously learning. I will keep informed of the latest information in parenting children from newborns to teens and pass it on to all of you.” I will also use that same passion to help you create a dynasty generate increases in your business with straightforward and specialized media managing skills that guarantee your connection and scope will grow. Keep up to date reading our posts and discover valuable insights that can make parenting and succeeding in the business of the blogger– the most exciting adventure. (Debbie Twomey)
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I know exactly what you mean, Debbie. I hear a lot of negativity from young mom’s and dad’s as well. Our children need to grow with the positive helping them to grow and learn, not the negative.
I see you showing McKenna almost everyday the love, care and positive side of life to help her be a better person growing up:) You are a wonderful Nona and McKenna is so lucky to have you steering her in the right direction and growing with much positivity in her life!
Ellen, your reply is so truly valued
Debbie, There are numerous positive comments and contributions you shared in this post. You are so right the way that children are spoken to has a direct impact! It is experience that primarily physically wires a child’s brain.
The focus of my work is to create basic understanding of the way brains develop and your examples fit beautifully with the information I share in presentations and the materials I provide for parents.
When adults realize that at two years old, the area of the brain that controls the impulses for wanting a sucker is not fully developed yet, it creates the more appropriate interactions that you have described.
The caring interactions in your example are going to help develop the higher thinking and self control brain areas.
The negative tone of voice and yelling at the child you described, will have more influence in developing the stress response areas of the brain.
It is through all of us sharing that this needed information can become common knowledge and common practice for all young children.
Thanks for your part in this Debbie!
Thank you Deborah, I so appreciate your feedback and that we are so on the same track and this will benefit so many parents. I will be checking and your information and hope to either work together or share information as I believe so many parents need to understand the importance of those first few years on a child’s total development. I look forward to reading your work and thank you so much.
Debbie